The Twelve (Horribly Fake) Days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas,
the counterfeiters and pirates gave to me
One bootleg DVD

On the second day of Christmas,
the counterfeiters and pirates gave to me
Two exploding batteries ,
And one bootleg DVD

On the third day of Christmas,
the counterfeiters and pirates gave to me
Three fake Tickle-Me-Elmos,
Two exploding batteries,
And one bootleg DVD

On the fourth day of Christmas,
the counterfeiters and pirates gave to me
Four defective Durex condoms,
Three fake Tickle-Me-Elmos,
Two exploding batteries,
And one bootleg DVD

On the fifth day of Christmas,
the counterfeiters and pirates gave to me
Five sawdust brake pads,
Four defective Durex condoms,
Three fake Tickle-Me-Elmos,
Two exploding batteries,
And one bootleg DVD

On the sixth day of Christmas,
the counterfeiters and pirates gave to me
Six tainted tubes of toothpaste,
Five sawdust brake pads,
Four defective Durex condoms,
Three fake Tickle-Me-Elmos,
Two exploding batteries,
And one bootleg DVD

On the seventh day of Christmas,
the counterfeiters and pirates gave to me
Seven sick senior citizens,
Six tainted tubes of toothpaste,
Five sawdust brake pads,
Four defective Durex condoms,
Three fake Tickle-Me-Elmos,
Two exploding batteries,
And one bootleg DVD

On the eighth day of Christmas,
the counterfeiters and pirates gave to me
Eight children a-choking,
Seven sick senior citizens,
Six tainted tubes of toothpaste,
Five sawdust brake pads,
Four defective Durex condoms,
Three fake Tickle-Me-Elmos,
Two exploding batteries,
And one bootleg DVD

On the ninth day of Christmas,
the counterfeiters and pirates gave to me
Nine computers-a-crashing,
Eight children a-choking,
Seven sick senior citizens,
Six tainted tubes of toothpaste,
Five sawdust brake pads,
Four defective Durex condoms,
Three fake Tickle-Me-Elmos,
Two exploding batteries,
And one bootleg DVD

On the tenth day of Christmas,
the counterfeiters and pirates gave to me
Ten extension cords a-blazing,
Nine computers-a-crashing,
Eight children a-choking,
Seven sick senior citizens,
Six tainted tubes of toothpaste,
Five sawdust brake pads,
Four defective Durex condoms,
Three fake Tickle-Me-Elmos,
Two exploding batteries,
And one bootleg DVD

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
the counterfeiters and pirates gave to me
Eleven erroneous diabetic testing strips,
Ten extension cords a-blazing,
Nine computers-a-crashing,
Eight children a-choking,
Seven sick senior citizens,
Six tainted tubes of toothpaste,
Five sawdust brake pads,
Four defective Durex condoms,
Three fake Tickle-Me-Elmos,
Two exploding batteries,
And one bootleg DVD

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
the counterfeiters and pirates gave to me
Twelve fire extinguishers malfunctioning,
Eleven erroneous diabetic testing strips,
Ten extension cords a-blazing,
Nine computers-a-crashing,
Eight children a-choking,
Seven sick senior citizens,
Six tainted tubes of toothpaste,
Five sawdust brake pads,
Four defective Durex condoms,
Three fake Tickle-Me-Elmos,
Two exploding batteries,
And one bootleg DVD

Brought to you by the U.S. Chamber of Commerce.

Well, ladies and gentleman. It's been a mad, mad year of fakes. Here's hoping you bought authentic this holiday season. You wouldn't want that Christmas tree or Hanukkah bush a-kindling because of cheap lights.

Happy holidays!

Photo credit